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Living with Schizoaffective Disorder

Please to Forgive

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I'm a productive little worker bee but I'm too tired at the end of the day to carry out my grand ambitions.

Michael David Crawford, Consulting Software Engineer
mdcrawford@gmail.com

October 13, 2006

Copyright © 2006 Michael David Crawford. All Rights Reserved.

Bonita tells me that since I was in the hospital, I have been more like myself than I was for a long time. But I'm not so sure I like how I have become.

For one thing, I am sleeping an awful lot. My first week in Vancouver, I had no problem getting to work on time. But lately I alternate getting to work on time one day with three PM arrivals the next. I know my project manager doesn't like it, but I told him it was a medical condition. He seems to have accepted it for now. It helps that I get good work done when I am there.

For twelve years before I was hospitalized here in Vancouver, I took the antipsychotic Risperdal. At my suggestion, my doctor in the hospital changed my medication to Zyprexa.

Back in Truro, I visited the emergency room at the hospital five times, each time demanding to see a psychiatrist. On three of those occasions I was prescribed Zyprexa. It only ever took one tablet to tell it works a lot better than Risperdal does, but at first I found it profoundly sedating. But because Risperdal won't keep me out of the hospital anymore, I decided I would just learn to live with Zyprexa's sedation.

Is it a sign of positive mental health that I find it hard to get worked up about the fact that the North Koreans just tested a nuclear weapon?


Too bad Zyprexa has been found to cause diabetes even in patients who aren't overweight. There is a huge lawsuit going on about it, and it might be withdrawn from the market. The plan is for me to have frequent blood sugar tests as a precaution.

I find myself unable to write much anymore. I had all these grand plans about how I would write a new Vancouver Diary every couple days, with a dead-tree book to be published a year from now. The Vancouver Diaries have all come to a screeching halt.

And it's been months since I've worked on Ogg Frog .

It seems the only thing I really have the energy to do anymore is my paid software engineering work. We're not expected to work overtime, so there should be lots of time after work when I could be working on Ogg Frog or The Vancouver Diaries, but every day after work I am too tired.

I don't think it's sedation from Zyprexa. I know what that feels like, and this is different. For one thing, I take my medicine at bedtime and am completely clear-headed by the time I get to work, and am able to focus on my work all day.

It's just that I am so weary at the end of each day. I wasn't like this before I was in the hospital. I had the energy to do all kinds of things.

I'm thinking that maybe I need to go to bed earlier each night, and consistently so. I've been turning in at eleven PM each night, with my alarm set for seven-thirty AM. I'm going to try going to bed at nine instead.

I think I just have to face the fact that I need more sleep than most people do, so if I'm going to make the ten AM meeting each day, I'll have to go to bed early enough that I get enough sleep every single night. The alternative has been so far that every few days I sleep for over sixteen hours.

I think my employers would tolerate my late arrivals if I were productive enough, but I don't like being alone in the office at night. I really prefer being there when my coworkers are. The very fact that I used to work all alone was one of the reasons I wanted to give up software consulting.

I'm going to take a stab at resuming work on Ogg Frog Sunday afternoon. Once I know that I have it back on track I'll post a diary about my progress.

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